Kids can be picky about who they play and mix with.Popularity should not be confused with sociability. A number of studies in recent decades have shown that appearance, personality type and ability impact on a child’s popularity at school. Good-looking, easy-going, talented kids usually win peer popularity polls but that doesn’t necessarily guarantee they will have friends.Those children and young people who develop strong friendships have a definite set of skills that help make them easy to like, easy to relate to and easy to play with.Here are twelve essential skills that children have identified as being important for making and keeping friends:1. Ability to share possessions and space 2. Keeping confidences and secrets 3. Offering to help 4. Accepting other’s mistakes 5. Being positive and enthusiastic 6. Starting a conversation 7. Winning and losing well 8. Listening to others 9. Starting and maintaining a conversation 10. Ignoring someone who is annoying you 11. Cooperating with others12. Giving and receiving complimentsFriendships skills are generally developmental. That is, kids grow into these skills given exposure to different situations and with adult help.In past generations ‘exposure to different situations’ meant opportunities to play with each other, with siblings and with older and younger friends.They were reminded by parents about how they should act around others. They were also ‘taught’ from a very young age.Arrested developmentThe NEW CHILD grows up with fewer siblings, fewer opportunities for unstructured play and less freedom to explore friendships than children of even ten years ago. A parenting style that promotes a high sense of individual entitlement rather than the notion of fitting in appears to be popular at the moment.These factors can lead to delayed or arrested development in these essential friendship skills, resulting in very unhappy, self-centred children.Here are some ideas if you think your child experiences developmental delay in any of these essential skills or just needs some help to acquire them:(1) Encourage or insist that kids play and work with each other: Allowing kids the freedom to be kids is part of the message here but parents have to be cunning with the NEW CHILD and construct situations where kids have to get on with each other. For some kids “Go outside and play” is a good place to start!!(2) Play with your kids: Interact with your kids through games and other means so you can help kids learn directly from you how to get on with others.(3) Talk about these skills: If you notice your kids need to develop some of these skills then talk about them, point out when they show them and give them some implementation ideas.Kids are quite ego-centric and need to develop a sense of ‘other’ so they can successfully negotiate the many social situations that they find themselves in. As parents we often focus on the development of children’s academic skills and can quite easily neglect the development of these vitally important social skills, which contribute so much to children’s happiness and well-being.
Learn how to talk
Open communication is essential. You and the other parent need to be able to talk about your child and make cooperative decisions. If you’re able to talk naturally in a pleasant and reasonable way, you’re on the right path. But if you find yourself gritting your teeth, shouting or getting upset, try to treat your conversations with the other parent in a more detached, business-like way.
You have to conduct the business of parenting together, so treat it like a business transaction. You wouldn’t let your temper get the better of you in most business situations, so try to be polite to your ex in the same way you would to a stranger you are working with.
I worked with one family that kept ending up back in court. The bottom line was that they could not communicate in any reasonable way. Every time they exchanged children, they had a blowup. They finally went to a therapist who had them practice discussing only the situation at hand, and putting their emotions and problems with each other on the back burner to be dealt with at another time. This worked, and when they had to do the business of parenting, they were able to focus only on that task and keep the rest of their problems separate.
Get help
Co-parenting may not come naturally to you, particularly if you’re a high-conflict couple, or you’re still recovering from the nastiness of a divorce. But there are plenty of ways to get help with your parenting relationship.
Take a co-parenting class together (even if you go at separate times). These classes, which many state court systems now mandate for all divorcing couples, can be very helpful. If a class is not required in your area, check with your attorney, the court clerk or the state department of mental health services to find a class near you.
Consider seeing a therapist. A couples therapist can help you improve your co-parenting skills. Your child can also benefit from having a therapist to talk with, and that therapist may, ultimately, be able to help you and your ex work together to help your child.
If, however, you have serious, lingering disagreements about the co-parenting plan itself, a mediator can help you work through them and come to an agreement that will work for everyone. Forgive Yourself
While it may seem as though co-parenting is solely about your interaction with the other parent, a big part is your own internal thought process. Although you have to learn to forgive or at least let go of things the other parent has done, you must also forgive yourself for anything you secretly believe you’ve done – whether to the other parent or to your child. Everyone who goes through the emotional turmoil of a divorce makes mistakes and you need to tell yourself it is OK.
You also need to learn to forgive yourself for the slip-ups you will make as you co-parent. No one can keep up a perfect façade at all times. You’re going to lose your temper, be inflexible or let your hurt get the best of you sometimes in dealing with the other parent. Tell yourself it’s OK and that you will simply try harder the next time.
Review
…a wonderful reference to parents, adult children, and frankly anyone. This was an absolute treat to read! — Lisa Uhl, MSN, Occupational Health Case Mgr, Mother of 3If I had a magic wand, I would give this book to every parent. It is a must-read! — John Lee, bestselling author of the Flying Boy and Growing Yourself Back UpScreamFree Parenting could enlighten many, stir a little positive karma into things, and turn lives around. — Mark James, MDThe priceless suggestions, reflective questions, and true stories set apart Runkel’s alluring, fascinating book…a fantastic endeavor… — From BookWire Review May, 2005
–This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
Review
“The book gives many principles for overcoming anxiety and to start a new path of connection with your kids. It includes thought-provoking questions at the end of each chapter.” —Parents
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The preparation of having a baby is overwhelming, buying bottles, diapers, clothes and setting up the nursery, it is life long preparations in a way because we learn from our own parents and how we were raised.
Throughout this process you will find yourself daydreaming about beautiful days spend with your child and playing with them, but put all those dreams on hold for now. Those thoughts you had are all lovely but real life is not so. Parenting skills is also a requirement in the preparation process, and you better make sure you have good ones.
Being a Parent
The moment conception happens, your extremely challenging but gratifying job as a parent begins. This job is not a job you can quit when you do not like it anymore. It is a life long experience that rides on a rollercoaster, with sky high thrills and heart breaking downhill’s all throughout the way. To assist your child in learning how to cope with life and the ups and downs to it, you will need your parenting skills to kick in and guide you on the right path. This path will also lead you to self comfort in those difficult situations you will face in the future with your children.
You can’t go to the store and buy parenting skills, you can’t download it form the internet in a neat package, this is something you must become skilled at and gain. In order to become the parent you desire to be, you must investigate, allow us to help guide you where to look and get your questions answered:
Knowing you own kid, we all are different, and have unique character aspects that identifies us to be ourselves. We discovered that most children will copy their parents, and desire to follow into their footsteps, but then again there are those who do not want to be like their parents and defy. The children that rebel against what you have been used to are the ones you will need good parenting skills with, they will upset you and leave you discouraged at times.
Rediscover your inner child, you need to step inside your children’s shoes and remember what it was like to be a child, this is called rediscovering your inner child. You tend to forget how to relax and then get stuck in a bored lifestyle and stressful jobs. The best way to understand the issues at hand with your children is to place yourself in their shoes, and see things from their own perspective; you will then gain an understanding for how they are feeling and why they are rebelling. Good parenting skills will teach you how to listen to your child’s demands and not relinquish to them, but how to stand strong and view the issue in your child’s eyes and come to a solution that pleases both of you.
Some things that you will learn with good parenting skills is when to allow your child to win and when to make sure she loses in the battles you will face. There will be times when you have to disapprove of your child’s actions or attitude, but you do not want to this in a way that it will traumatize the child. Too much criticism is not good for any parent/child relationship.
Interested? Keep Reading To Discover Where To Find Good Parenting Skills
Who better to find out how to solve your parenting issues than to talk to someone who has went through it before? Online nowadays there are forums available, some with chat option, to find others who are already experienced in those problems you think are impossible to overcome. There are thousands of websites about parenting or related to parenting and you can find nearly any type of situation possible. Look at how others ended their issues; what their solution was and see if that may work for you as well.
Naturally, all this information cannot be processed by our brains in a day, it will probably take you a lifetime of learning, suffering and rejoicing before it is successful. The important thing to keep in mind is to never give up, and as long as you are open minded you have won half the battle already.
Separation anxiety is actually very common in children under the age of three, and it’s normal for toddlers and young children to feel anxiety when a parent leaves the room. It’s also very common for young children to feel anxiety and cry when being left at day-care or school for the first time. For most children, this eventually passes as the children become engaged in new surroundings and activities.
The problem occurs, however, in about 4% of children when this separation anxiety does not subside and is, thus, classified as a disorder. Children with this type of disorder typically experience extreme anxiety when away from home and separated from mom and dad. This usually manifests via extreme homesickness and even misery, and such children often have intense fear regarding the health and safety of their parents.
As a result, such children will often:
- Try to avoid going anywhere by themselves.
- Refuse to go to places such as school or camp.
- Refuse to participate in sleepovers.
- Follow a parent around all the time.
- Request that mom or dad stay with them at bedtime, or show up in their parent’s bedroom during the night.
- Have nightmares about being separated from loved ones.
Closely related to separation anxiety disorder is social anxiety disorder, or “social phobia.” This disorder involves an intense fear of social and performance situations, such as starting a conversation, performing in front of others, speaking up in class, participating in peer activities, etc.
As a result, children with social phobias tend to withdraw and avoid such activities, which in turn greatly diminishes the quality of their lives. It can also hinder their performance and attendance in school, and impair their ability to form necessary social skills and relationships. Research has also shown that, if left untreated, children with such anxiety disorders are more vulnerable to substance abuse, depression and comorbidity (two disorders or conditions that appear together).
So, what should parents watch for and what should they do if they suspect an actual phobia or disorder? Part of the problem, of course, is that young children are often shy, and even adults can have anxiety about performing in front of others. Signs to watch for include:
- Reluctance or discomfort being in the spotlight.
- Avoiding eye contact.
- Speaking in a very quiet voice or mumbling.
- Avoiding conversations with peers, never inviting friends to get together, never ordering food in restaurants.
- Being isolated from groups, not participating in group activities.
- Being overly concerned and affected by negative feedback or embarrassment.
- Fear of being called on in class, reading aloud or public speaking.
When put into these situations, children with social anxiety disorder will typically have symptoms such as:
- Racing heart
- Sweating
- Dizziness
- Stomachache
- Crying
- Tantrums
For parents of younger children, experts advise the following tips to help children overcome or cope with social anxiety disorder:
- Don’t speak for your child, but encourage the child to speak up, order his/her own food, etc.
- Encourage children to get involved in birthday parties, play groups, school activities, family gatherings, games, activities, etc.
- Reward and praise children for speaking up, starting conversations, etc.
- Role model the desired social behavior.
For older children, as is the case with the mother and her son who’s away at school, panic disorder is a more intense form of social anxiety disorder. It is not very common in young children, but usually begins in adolescence and in the early to mid-twenties.
People with this disorder have “panic attacks,” which are abrupt episodes of intense fear or discomfort and usually include at least four of the following:
- Palpitations
- Sweating
- Trembling
- Hot flushes or chills
- Tingling sensations
- The need to escape
- A feeling of imminent danger or doom
- Shortness of breath/feeling of choking
- Nausea or stomach discomfort
- Chest pain or discomfort
- Lightheadedness or dizziness
- Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
If children, or adults, have had such panic attacks, they will typically avoid situations where they have had previous attacks. When children and adults begin avoiding public places (places from which escape might be difficult), “agoraphobia” can develop, severely hindering normal participation in situations such as school, work and life.
The bad news is that, because the symptoms of such disorders often mimic conditions such as heart attacks, thyroid and breathing problems, the true disorder is often difficult to diagnose. People who suffer panic attacks often make numerous trips to the doctor or emergency room.
The good news is that, once properly diagnosed, treatment can be highly effective. Therapists often use a combination of cognitive and behavior therapies, referred to as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), in which the patient is involved in his/her recovery, has a feeling of control, and learns skills that are useful throughout life.
Relaxation techniques – such as breathing retraining and exercise – are also used and help people with anxiety disorders to cope more effectively. Medications, including some antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications are often used in combination with the previously mentioned therapies. And, of course, the understanding and support of parents, family and friends can go a long way in helping people with anxiety disorders to cope and overcome them.
ReviewParenting Gifted Kids: Tips for Raising Happy and Successful Children by James R. Delisle (Professor of Gifted Education at Kent State University) is an informative and “parent friendly” reference for enabling a truly gifted child to expressively and productively achieve their life goals, develop sound character, and generally enjoy their life. Examining overly excitable children, the type of gift granted to each child, working with the school system, dealing with perfectionist children, being a positive role model, building a child’s character, and helping kids achieve their set goals and dreams, Parenting Gifted Kids is very highly recommended reading, especially to all new parents of a gifted child. – —James A. Cox, Editor-in-Chief, Midwest Book ReviewParenting Gifted Kids: Tips for Raising Happy and Successful Children by James R. Delisle (Professor of Gifted Education at Kent State University) is an informative and “parent friendly” reference f (more…)
